So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
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if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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