I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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