i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I deserve this hangover.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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