I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I bet he comes in French.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
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Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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