if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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