So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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