I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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