Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
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you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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