and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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