I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
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I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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