from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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