Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
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Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
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Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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