highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
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pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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