How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
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LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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