If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
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Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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