Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
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You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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