i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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