My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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