OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
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He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
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You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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