My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
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I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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