Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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