so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
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Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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