I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
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On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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