Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
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I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
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When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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