I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
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Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize