Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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