I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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