My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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