you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize