He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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