Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
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Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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