yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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