My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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