can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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