if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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