Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
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Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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