you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
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All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize