just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
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Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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