his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize