I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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