after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
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I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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