guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
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We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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