Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
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I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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