If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ๐๐
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You do realize itโs only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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