the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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