I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
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My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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