i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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