she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
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Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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