I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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My liver just had a heart attack.
I will pee on everything he values.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
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Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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