I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
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The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize